Experiencing Gender

My first experience with gender is at 5 years old. I try to pee standing—using an empty toilet paper roll, and fail.

It’s at 8 years old, wondering why the girls AND boys view me as alien on the playground.

It’s at 9 years old, telling other kids I can still be considered a tomboy even if I don’t like sports.

It’s at 10 years of age, having my first queer kiss at a sleepover and wondering why _{no one} ever told me of the possibilities!!!

It’s at 12, loving the masculinity of my dad’s aftershave against skin I’m told should smell like flowers; I wear it to school and am bullied for it.

And at 13, where I assigned myself an alias _{(a few of them actually)} because I hated my common girly name.

It’s at 14, confident enough that my mom won’t disown me for feeling this way.

It’s at age 15, where I was asked if my crying from receiving my first dose of testosterone was “happy tears or sad tears?”—they were happy.

It’s age 17, I experience my first chaser. It made me forever wary of friendships with cis folks.

It’s age 19, my first long-term job is working with teens. There are trans and nonbinary youth I know are looking up to me.

It’s age 21, where I lose my cis, gay, older brother because he treated my transness as conditional.

It’s at age 22, I become an avid LGBTQ advocate online due to the political climate and my experiences.

Age 23, I am growing, embracing nonconformity, creating art, euphoric in my gender, spreading trans joy and advocating in on and offline spaces.